I got a comment from a former client today that her son was finally walking on his own. She had found a therapy that was working and he has been progressing so much in the past year.
I was overcome with joy to hear this news.
This boy, this amazing boy, has a heart that I’ve never seen in another human being. If “unfettered joy” had a face, it would be his.
His mother pulls at my heart equally as much. She fights for him every day. The determination, the way she pulls everything together to make life work for her family and get the care her son needs.
She is the embodiment of courage and determination, the ferocity rarely spoken of regarding the word “mother.”
While I was cheering inside, my ego was sad. I wasn’t the one to help get him there, and I so wanted to be that person for them.
This doesn’t discount that we did some amazing work together. He did start “surfing furniture” in that time, and I know how powerful that was.
I’m done with that “sadness” coming up for me. I could just brush it off as ego BS that doesn’t need to be part of this, but I know better. There’s always something driving these feelings, and in order to shift it I need to understand it.
I had a thriving wellness practice when I was working with this family. And in perfect timing with the pandemic, I closed my doors for many reasons. One of those was because,
when you feel broken, in heart and mind, you have no place in the room with healing work. None.
I have been struggling for years as to why I’m in the business of wellness. I came across the Sharon Salzberg’s podcast “Metta Hour” and she had Sensei Joshin Byrnes on (episode 128). He spoke about his intention when working from a place of service and how he burned out.
I’m not quoting him. What I got out of it was someone else speaking what I couldn’t hear my heart saying. That being in service from a place of filling something that’s missing will not sustain you. In fact, it will burn you to pieces.
I was struggling to hold space. CranioSacral Therapy requires the ability to fully listen with your hands, to the body those hands are touching. Boiled down further into the concept that everything is made of energy, it’s feeling the way the energy of the body is moving.
You can’t feel that when you can’t get past yourself. Your wounds. The limiting beliefs that have started breathing down your neck like the Alien in Sigourney Weaver’s face.
We all have them, and they creep up on us in ways that we don’t expect. I wish I were one of those people who could see them crouched in the corner waiting for their chance to start sneaking up.
Some of those beliefs, though, you need to feel the heat of their breath to understand the depth of their lesson.
While everyone was moaning about masks, I was hiding in my parent’s basement seeing the edge of all that I created in my life. A lot of sleeping. A lot of pretending that I was going to get my shit together.
The catalyst to this was a Tony Robbins event online. The part where he gets you to see what your life will be like in ten years. It was in that moment that I got the gift of my kids. The truth that this life isn’t worth living without them.
It hit me hard how close I was to losing them. If anything happened to my parents, the kids would end up with their dad and I’d be couch surfing during a pandemic and jobless.
Staring me in the face was the belief that I had no value to offer, that my life wasn’t worthwhile, that my kids would be better off with their dad. This belief was starting to win, and I was tired of fighting.
I can’t say exactly what it was that turned things around. And no one really talks about it. They tell the sad story and then magically things got better and now they have the best life ever!
I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work like that. This shit is hard. To stand tall and look back at something that started working on you before you knew multiplication is courageous work.
I want everyone to be able to find the courage to do this work. Because it’s this dirty work no one wants to walk through that gets you to a place called freedom.
I chose that belief at one point. And I can share the letter I wrote to that four-year-old girl, letting her know it’s ok that she made that choice and that I’m there with her, holding her hand while she feels lost and alone.
We all made the choice to hold the beliefs that we have when we created them, and they likely served us for a short time. Even if it was to make sense of what was going on around us because we simply didn’t know better, especially as a kid. Have compassion around this for yourself, there’s no blame in this.
You can empower yourself as an adult to believe something different. To, at the very least, forgive that choice and free yourself from the burden of having to carry it.
I’ve made the decision to work on this belief I have about my value. Writing the letter to my four-year-old self was a start. Now, I have action steps to take every day to look at when it shows up and what I’m replacing it with. I’m also taking note of every experience I have on a daily basis that proves that belief wrong.
Seeing my need to walk away from that little boy to heal myself holds more power than the idea that I somehow failed him. That I wasn’t able to bridge all of my knowledge and bring more value to his life, is a false statement.
His joy and his mother’s ferocity are a gift to me, showing me how precious life is. They showed me what “mother” feels like, how I wanted to feel that too, how I DO feel it every day, and that “unfettered joy” isn’t something outside of me anymore.
That ferocity lives inside every time I think of my kids. I’m still working to get underneath a few of those limiting beliefs that argue with me to stay in bed. This is digging up the courage. The healing time that it takes to make sure I don’t get to the point where the saliva is dripping onto my shoulder from the next one that wants to sneak up on me.
Right now, I’m counting my blessings. I’m grateful to be writing this from my parent’s basement, knowing in my heart of hearts that I have a massive amount of value to offer the world. That I’m empowered enough to heal my limiting beliefs and create a life worth living. And that I can’t wait to get the video of that little boy laughing while he walks. All on his own.
All of this healing work has been supported by Vortex Strategy and their Zenith Project, training with Influential Coach, Joel Brown, and Nash Mackey.
Emily Kamala, MA, RMT, MCHC does virtual Wellness Coaching and draws on over two decades of work in the wellness industry. Creating sustainable breakthroughs with single parents, and supporting sustainable wellness programs in underserved communities are her flames. You can reach her at 720-515-4178 or visit her website at www.ConsciousLivingLLC.com for more information. You can also follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram